Funeral bounce houses and party favors

Last month we buried my grandmother leaving me with only one left on this earth.  My friend and chair of our program is currently back in Ohio planning her mother's "celebration of life."  One of my former students recently lost her 99 year old grandmother and has been talking about it on Facebook.  I recently re-connected with a former high school sweetheart who lost his younger brother in an untimely way a few years back.  Today, Alex was asked to be a server for a military funeral held at church. Needless to say, I have been thinking of funerals a lot lately. 

Here's the deal people.  In the event of my untimely demise (and NO, I have no plans to kick off anytime soon) my funeral has got to be FUN.  That may sound strange to a lot of you but I truly mean it.  If I ever find myself with some spare time, I will go ahead and plan it officially so no one else has to worry about it.  I mean really, if you know me AT ALL, you know I love to plan an "event." And afterall, who better to plan that sucker than yours truly?!  So here's what I have in mind:

You really need to try and get to the visitation. Out of town friends:  please plan accordingly.  I want the place packed and by the way, wear what ever the hell you feel like. Is it hot outside?  I am cool with cut offs and flip flops.  Why do we get all dressed up anyway?  Its not like we take a bunch of group pictures with the corpse.  At a certain time, (and this should be announced in the paper) there will be a formal presentation led by someone with a sense of humor.   This will begin with the video picture presentation of my life in two parts.  The first part will be pictures of me from birth to my high school graduation with the background music being Barbara Streisand singing "Somewhere over the Rainbow" recorded at a concert she sang in her back yard.  The song is in my car.  The second half will be pics of my life from college on and will be set to the song, "I Sing the Body Electric" from the FAME soundtrack.  You can find that anywhere.  Now this is important because I think these things are cool to watch and this will ensure that you all actually see it versus just having it on in the "background."  I mean really, if I go to all the trouble of putting it together.......you get the picture.

Okay, this is the place where I need help.  I need people who know me to get up and tell a touching or funny story about me.  There should be plenty of the "funny" stories floating around out there.  You REALLY need to volunteer to do this as nothing looks more pathetic than no one getting up to talk about someone at a  visitation.  Don't make me assign you a part!

There should be food at this event.  Weird?  Yep.  But TOTALLY me.  How many of you think visitations would be much more fun with an open bar?  (Me, Me, pick me!)  Seriously, I am thinking heavy hors douvers and beer/wine.  This will allow my friend Amy to get up and talk because otherwise, she is too shy and she has some great stories about me.

Now, God knows, I need people praying for my successful arrival to the "other side."  Catholics:  this means you have to say a group rosary at some point.  This also needs to be posted in the paper so we can get all of the devout Catholics to the event with rosary in hand.  Plus, we need someone experienced in the Rosary to lead it.  I mean how embarrassing to get half way through that thing and lose your place or throw in one too many "Hail Marys" or something like that. Devout Catholics, you know who you are!

Kids should NOT be afraid to come to the visitation and/or funeral.  Death is a part of life and I have raised my kids to believe that when we leave here we go to one hell of a party.  They currently believe they will be in "no homework, video-game playing all day happy land" and who can blame them.  My personal heaven involves everyone who has ever loved me and a lot of food without calories all in the same place. It also involves alcohol without hangovers.  To get the kid crowd, I am thinking of renting a bounce house for outside next to the funeral home.  How cool would that be?  Then, after the formal presentation and open bar happy hour, the adults could go out and play in it.  FUN!  Be sure to take lots of pictures because that could get hysterical.

Now, for the funeral itself.  I LOVE the tradition and pomp and circumstance of the "dance around with holy water and incense and sit-stand-kneel"  about being Catholic.  I want the whole funeral mass.  Now non-Catholics, let me just say right now I'M SORRY for the hour long ordeal.  You are required to go and I cannot make it any shorter.  Deal with it. 

Music is important to me.  I want all of the singers from every mass to all get together and sing some great funeral songs from "Glory and Praise" at church.  All of the Catholic "stuff" should be thoroughly explained for the benefits of the non-Catholics throughout mass as we go by the priest, whomever that may be.  The homily needs to be funny NOT boring.  Afterall, my guests are stuck there for an hour.  Please entertain them.  Someone want to give a eulogy?  That's great.  It's all I can do not to write it myself but I'll let something be a surprise.    Again.....err on the light side. Once the mass is over, I want the song "When the Roll is Called up Yonder" played by the Statler Brothers.  Its just a cool song and those guys can totally harmonize. 

Flowers.  I like flowers.  I want it written nowhere that "in lieu of flowers."  I want it to say instead,  "In addition to flowers" and then people can donate to any childhood cancer group they like, the Speech and Hearing clinic or Mary Immaculate grade school.  I like tulips a lot and I hate orange flowers.  Run with it.

The procession of cars:  I think it is SO COOL that in life we maintain the reverent tradition of driving through town with a police escort and flashers on.  I love it that people are so respectful that they pull over to the side and let the procession pass.  In addition to your flashers, I think you should all honk your horns like people used to do after weddings. That is so NOT a joke! Let's make some noise!

All of my parties end with party favors and take home boxes of cake.  This should be no different.  I think everyone needs to leave with a party favor.  I am still working on this one.  Whatever it is, it will be cool.  You should all have a fun "take home" in addition to the "program" which by the way needs to be proof read by some one who can read.    After the Catholic cemetery prayers, you all need to go back somewhere and eat and laugh A LOT!  Little church ladies should make sure to make mostichelli (however you spell that) because that is my favorite funeral food.  If you are assigned to bring the deviled eggs, please bring twice as much as you think you need,.  Those things always go so fast!  It would be nice to have some kid food too like chicken nuggets and pizza.  In addition to tea and lemonade lets go ahead and have beer.  Why not?!

This needs to be a 3-day party.  When the time comes, let this be your guide!  Bounce houses and party favors!