Dear family and
friends,
Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Well, that’s about it. Time for me to close.
Peace to you and
yours,
Missy
This is very nearly how my Christmas letter is going to read
this year and really, (and I do mean REALLY), I have NO GOOD EXCUSE as to why.
I am lucky, blessed, healthy, blah blah blah. For whatever reason, I’m just not that “into”
Christmas this year. James constructed
the tree two weeks ago and I have yet to hang a single ornament. We have a few bubble lights that are not
working and I have not yet rushed to Walmart in a Christmas decorating frenzy
to make certain that the last bubble light in Kirksville has not already been
snatched up. Our neighbor went all out
with lights on his house
this year and I truly feel like taking this approach:
Someone needs to perform a Christmas intervention and
QUICK. I think the problem may have to
do with my children trying to grow up and frankly, I don’t care for it. Earlier this year, my body decided to enter
the non-child bearing years which honestly, I didn’t see coming. I mean
yea, I’m 45 and all but seriously? My
insides just looked around at each other and declared “yup, that’s it, we’re
done?!” Never thought it could
happen. I would have 10 kids if my body
had cooperated and YES I am happy and FORTUNATE to have not one but TWO healthy
boys to love and raise. It’s the RAISING
part that feels nearly over. They are 8
& 12. Now I know I came to the parenting
party relatively late and that many of my friends have children who have
graduated from high school or who are about to have a child reaching that
(devastating) landmark so I realize I am lucky to still have children on the younger
side. But still……..
A few years back I wrote a Christmas letter about how no one
ever ages where I work. It’s true. Every single year for the past 20 years the
majority of the people I interact with have been between the ages of
18-25. I myself was 25 when I began my
work at the university. I was “one of them.” Somehow, they continued to remain the same age
and I didn’t. Neither did my kids.
At Thanksgiving, my 12 year old was taller than my
stepmother and mother. I myself no longer reach
down to hug him, I reach out. I guess
that should be a beautiful thing but to be honest, I hate it. His voice is deepening. He is beginning to have the “attitude” that I
SWORE no child of mine would ever have.
He puts together Legos for his brother and not for himself anymore. He goes to movies WITHOUT ME. WHAT?????
When the hell did that happen?!?!
His pant legs are perpetually two inches from the ground and most people
think it’s because he is just growing so fast that we cannot keep up but
really, part of it is because if I buy him new pants every 12 seconds I have to
confront the fact that he is growing up.
He keeps asking us for a phone.
When I tell him no and that he's not old enough he says that’s not true and I
just don’t want him to grow up. (I hate
it when there's truth in what he says----let’s not go crazy though, he’s still
not getting a phone yet)
I understand now why the “baby” of the family is ALWAYS the
baby. It’s because if mothers ever let
their “babies” grow up the world would end as we collectively know it. My eight year old will forever be four years
old in my eyes and NOT graduating up to playing flag football, NOT driving and CRASHING
go carts and NOT wrestling two times a week with HEAD GEAR. He’s just a BABY!!!!!
James always says it’s lucky that we did not have any
girls. He says this because he claims
that 1. “If you make a decision based on
emotion, he cannot help you” and 2. “A
daughter would be just like the mother and there is no way there could be TWO
of us in the same house.” I am now
beginning to question this logic. I have
been a student of life long enough to recognize that boys tend to grow up,
get married and gravitate toward their wive’s families for their adult
lives. Well guess what? I don’t have any girls so does this mean that
both of my boys will be GONE soon?
HELP!!!! This thought makes me
crazy. Additionally, I have listened to enough Dr.
Laura to recognize that unless I bow down and kiss the feet of the girls that
they may marry one day, I will have no access to the grandchildren. This thought makes me MORE CRAZY. (Let’s not go nuts here, I’ll do it and won’t
even blink but still…….)
A few weeks ago I was in the car with the 12 year old. I was talking about (okay, lecturing) the
idea that the child needs to find SOMETHING to motivate him to get better
grades. This conversation went on pretty
much like you can image it would between a 12 year old boy and his MOTHER when all
of a sudden I got desperate for material.
The next thing I knew I was telling him that regardless of whether or
not he gets good grades he is outta the house in five years at the ripe old age
of 18. I told him I no longer cared if
he studied because frankly, I am tired of talking about it. I went on to inform him that if he did not
pay attention and try in school NOW, he will not gain command of some important
pre-high school concepts, followed by high-school concepts and resulting in admittance
into a college. I told him it was fine
with me if he wanted to skip college as long as he could find a job (McDonalds)
didn't mind walking to work in his spiffy fast food uniform (because he couldn’t afford a car) and could NEVER again afford to go to another
Cardinal game (really, have you seen those ticket prices?). I told him he was in charge of his own
destiny, he has five years left on the family payroll and good luck.
Why do I mention all of this? I do so because in a sick kinda way I
actually thought maybe that would not be so bad. If he fails in school he would have to stay
in town and never really grow up and move away. (Not to worry, I quickly came to my senses when I imagined him living in the
basement and dealing drugs out the back door to make a living. I also imagined the caliber of female that this M.O. would attract and that I would have
to subsequently bow down to and became myself suddenly quite ill.)
The week of Thanksgiving we took the boys to Florida to Sea
World, Lego Land and the beach. They had
never seen the beach and I will NEVER forget their eyes when they FIRST saw the
ocean. Hey you can read about it here in
Missouri but there is no comparison to a field trip to the real deal. They were stunned. They were giddy. They were…….child like.
We have never pulled them out of school and
taken them anywhere like that for two days but I felt the need then and the truth is, I continue
to. It’s like, I'm BEGGING the universe
to pass me the remote control for life so I can push PAUSE!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!
REALLY! HONESTLY! I NEED A PAUSE
BUTTON.
I think I'm having a Christmas crisis. I think I don’t want to decorate or wrap or sing or do
ANYTHING because I’d rather just sit on the couch with my kids and watch movies
or listen to their stories or make them a snack because time is passing and
FAST. Last month we celebrated my only
living grandmother’s 90th birthday.
That’s 90 candles.
Time is FLYING people and I’d really just like it to stop. For now, for maybe just awhile longer, I want to keep
them young. Lately, they have wanted to
sleep in our bedroom with us. Because they
are so huge, there is no room in the bed so they have been camping out on our
floor each night. I know I am supposed
to hate this and DEMAND that they return to their beds and not sleep on our
floor because its unhealthy for them
in some way and yadda yadda yadda. Maybe there will
come a time when I feel that way. That
time however, has not yet arrived. That
time is not today.
My one wish for you this Christmas is the gift of a pause. I think we should all ask for one. I need to submit final grades, decorate the
house, plan the holiday menu, wrap some gifts, create the clinic schedule for
next semester and pay the bills.
Instead, I think I will go home and watch a Christmas movie with the
kids while they still want to be in the same room with me. Instead, I am going home to push PAUSE.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Midlife me to all of
you!
