Friday, December 7, 2012

Christmas Crisis--Someone push PAUSE!



Dear family and friends,

Merry Christmas.  Happy New Year.  Well, that’s about it.  Time for me to close.

Peace to you and yours,

Missy


This is very nearly how my Christmas letter is going to read this year and really, (and I do mean REALLY), I have NO GOOD EXCUSE as to why.


I am lucky, blessed, healthy, blah blah blah.  For whatever reason, I’m just not that “into” Christmas this year.  James constructed the tree two weeks ago and I have yet to hang a single ornament.  We have a few bubble lights that are not working and I have not yet rushed to Walmart in a Christmas decorating frenzy to make certain that the last bubble light in Kirksville has not already been snatched up.  Our neighbor went all out with lights on his house this year and I truly feel like taking this approach:







Someone needs to perform a Christmas intervention and QUICK.  I think the problem may have to do with my children trying to grow up and frankly, I don’t care for it.  Earlier this year, my body decided to enter the non-child bearing years which honestly, I didn’t see coming.   I mean yea, I’m 45 and all but seriously?  My insides just looked around at each other and declared “yup, that’s it, we’re done?!”  Never thought it could happen.  I would have 10 kids if my body had cooperated and YES I am happy and FORTUNATE to have not one but TWO healthy boys to love and raise.  It’s the RAISING part that feels nearly over.  They are 8 & 12.  Now I know I came to the parenting party relatively late and that many of my friends have children who have graduated from high school or who are about to have a child reaching that (devastating) landmark so I realize I am lucky to still have children on the younger side.  But still……..




A few years back I wrote a Christmas letter about how no one ever ages where I work.  It’s true.  Every single year for the past 20 years the majority of the people I interact with have been between the ages of 18-25.  I myself was 25 when I began my work at the university.  I was “one of them.”  Somehow, they continued to remain the same age and I didn’t.  Neither did my kids.


At Thanksgiving, my 12 year old was taller than my stepmother and mother.  I myself no longer reach down to hug him, I reach out.  I guess that should be a beautiful thing but to be honest, I hate it.  His voice is deepening.  He is beginning to have the “attitude” that I SWORE no child of mine would ever have.  He puts together Legos for his brother and not for himself anymore.  He goes to movies WITHOUT ME.  WHAT?????  When the hell did that happen?!?!  His pant legs are perpetually two inches from the ground and most people think it’s because he is just growing so fast that we cannot keep up but really, part of it is because if I buy him new pants every 12 seconds I have to confront the fact that he is growing up.  He keeps asking us for a phone.  When I tell him no and that he's not old enough he says that’s not true and I just don’t want him to grow up.  (I hate it when there's truth in what he says----let’s not go crazy though, he’s still not getting a phone yet)




I understand now why the “baby” of the family is ALWAYS the baby.  It’s because if mothers ever let their “babies” grow up the world would end as we collectively know it.  My eight year old will forever be four years old in my eyes and NOT graduating up to playing flag football, NOT driving and CRASHING go carts and NOT wrestling two times a week with HEAD GEAR.  He’s just a BABY!!!!!




James always says it’s lucky that we did not have any girls.  He says this because he claims that 1.  “If you make a decision based on emotion, he cannot help you” and 2.  “A daughter would be just like the mother and there is no way there could be TWO of us in the same house.”  I am now beginning to question this logic.  I have been a student of life long enough to recognize that boys tend to grow up, get married and gravitate toward their wive’s families for their adult lives.  Well guess what?  I don’t have any girls so does this mean that both of my boys will be GONE soon?  HELP!!!!  This thought makes me crazy.  Additionally, I have listened to enough Dr. Laura to recognize that unless I bow down and kiss the feet of the girls that they may marry one day, I will have no access to the grandchildren.  This thought makes me MORE CRAZY.  (Let’s not go nuts here, I’ll do it and won’t even blink but still…….)


A few weeks ago I was in the car with the 12 year old.  I was talking about (okay, lecturing) the idea that the child needs to find SOMETHING to motivate him to get better grades.  This conversation went on pretty much like you can image it would between a 12 year old boy and his MOTHER when all of a sudden I got desperate for material.  The next thing I knew I was telling him that regardless of whether or not he gets good grades he is outta the house in five years at the ripe old age of 18.  I told him I no longer cared if he studied because frankly, I am tired of talking about it.  I went on to inform him that if he did not pay attention and try in school NOW, he will not gain command of some important pre-high school concepts, followed by high-school concepts and resulting in admittance into a college.  I told him it was fine with me if he wanted to skip college as long as he could find a job (McDonalds) didn't mind walking to work in his spiffy fast food uniform (because he couldn’t afford a car) and could NEVER again afford to go to another Cardinal game (really, have you seen those ticket prices?).  I told him he was in charge of his own destiny, he has five years left on the family payroll and good luck.


Why do I mention all of this?  I do so because in a sick kinda way I actually thought maybe that would not be so bad.   If he fails in school he would have to stay in town and never really grow up and move away.  (Not to worry,  I quickly came to my senses when I imagined him living in the basement and dealing drugs out the back door to make a living.  I also imagined the caliber of female that this M.O. would attract and that I would have to subsequently bow down to and became myself suddenly quite ill.)


The week of Thanksgiving we took the boys to Florida to Sea World, Lego Land and the beach.  They had never seen the beach and I will NEVER forget their eyes when they FIRST saw the ocean.  Hey you can read about it here in Missouri but there is no comparison to a field trip to the real deal.  They were stunned.  They were giddy.  They were…….child like.   



We have never pulled them out of school and taken them anywhere like that for two days but I felt the need then and the truth is, I continue to.  It’s like, I'm BEGGING the universe to pass me the remote control for life so I can push PAUSE!!!!!!  SERIOUSLY!  REALLY! HONESTLY!  I NEED A PAUSE BUTTON.

I think I'm having a Christmas crisis. I think I don’t want to decorate or wrap or sing or do ANYTHING because I’d rather just sit on the couch with my kids and watch movies or listen to their stories or make them a snack because time is passing and FAST.  Last month we celebrated my only living grandmother’s 90th birthday.  That’s 90 candles.  







 
Time is FLYING people and I’d really just like it to stop.  For now, for maybe just awhile longer, I want to keep them young.  Lately, they have wanted to sleep in our bedroom with us.  Because they are so huge, there is no room in the bed so they have been camping out on our floor each night.  I know I am supposed to hate this and DEMAND that they return to their beds and not sleep on our floor because its unhealthy for them in some way and yadda yadda yadda.  Maybe there will come a time when I feel that way.  That time however, has not yet arrived.  That time is not today. 







My one wish for you this Christmas is the gift of a pause.   I think we should all ask for one.  I need to submit final grades, decorate the house, plan the holiday menu, wrap some gifts, create the clinic schedule for next semester and pay the bills.  Instead, I think I will go home and watch a Christmas movie with the kids while they still want to be in the same room with me.  Instead, I am going home to push PAUSE.



Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Midlife me to all of you!  




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