Midlife total body and mind makeover: oh this oughta be good!

Okay friends, unlike my less-than-sunny disposition (acquired last Thursday, July 26, 2012 that held somewhat steady until this very moment) I am slowly working my way toward a better frame of mind. I have done a lot of thinking. I have done a lot of talking. I have even done some laughing. I am ready. According to my bitchy last post from just yesterday as I look at the calendar, I recently divulged my hatred toward the phrase "you never know what the future holds." While I still vehemently oppose the use of this phrase in my general vicinity, I WILL say that after speaking to some and laughing with others and a completely silent contemplative 3 hour drive home (in a TRUCK I had to drive no less), I am ready to admit one thing that I know for sure (as Oprah would say).

I can really only control ONE thing in my life. And as you probably all already know, the one thing I have ultimate control over, is myself. Hence, the birth of the "midlife total body and mind make over" coup.

For several months now, I have been telling James he needs to make me over into something "hot." We laugh together at this as he is not exactly a personal trainer but a middle school English teacher who is slowly losing his hair. (Don't tell him that, he will deny it to the end). The great piece to this is that he already thinks I'm "hot" and thank God for small favors because he is after all, the man I have been married to for nearly 15 years now. For years he has said that when I am 50 he is going to buy me my FAVORITE thing......a very fast, very sporty, very cool convertible to be driven by only the very "hot" at least in my mind.

Last week I had an experience which was reminiscent of a feeling I was very familiar with when I was younger......REJECTION! Trust me when I say, I honestly thought I had looooong outgrown the ability to feel that way so readily at another's hand. Let's just say, it's not something I'd like to soon if ever revisit, and leave it at that.

What will the midlife makeover consist of? I have NO IDEA but stay tuned because this girl is gonna knock it outta the park. I have no idea how long this will take me and I make no promises to that effect. But again, what I DO KNOW is that I can control the most important thing there is out there in the future.....and that's ME.

Lastly, I want to give a shout out and MANY thanks to Don who cut his evening with his parents short last week so he could talk me off the ledge via phone from his commute in his car, to Amy who answered a zillion or so texts on the topic, to James who once again, gave me his experiential advice about adveristy and life, to my sister who was just sorta "there" quietly in the background right where I needed her to be and her significant other "Lenny the Schneider" who sang and danced with me when I REALLY needed to laugh.

It has been a grueling 3 days and I am more than ready for a midlife (I turned 45 in June) makeover of body and mind. More to come, I am sure!

Sincerely, the one who is back in control.........

"You don't know what the future holds"---oh just shut up!

Twice over the past week two completely different people on as many separate occasions have felt the need to tell me "well you know Miss, no one knows what the future holds."

Why do people feel compelled to say this to me? Let's get something straight here. My baseline non-medicated attitude is that of a pessimist. This means if you tell me that you don't know what the future holds my brain immediately goes to

that phrase = something bad will happen

You see, people like me have to work EXTRA hard to combat the "glass is half empty" tendency. Tooooooo many times in my 45 years friends, lovers, co-workers and just fellow human beings have said to me (usually following some event which has caused me pain) "well yea, XYZ just happened BUT you never know what the future holds." I absolutely hate that and here's why:

When you say this to me, my pessimistic logic immediately goes to the negative side of the possibilities in the future. My brain NEVER sees the positive options. My head is broken in this sense. My thought patterns are simply NOT wired toward the positive pole. Here are some examples from my own life:

After getting dumped by a good friend or lover with whom I want more: "hey I just want to be friends (or even better), I want to have no-contact with you for now BUT, you never know what the future holds." My brain translates that into "ok, well I guess I'll never hear from him/her again" and "looks like I was not good enough for yet another homo sapien" which then quickly causes me to leap into my childhood abandonment phase where things emotionaly spiral down hill at an alarming clip.

After being told by a supervisor that I am only a staff member and not a faculty member and so therefore I am stuck in this pay scale and rank for the rest of my life BUT "who knows what will happen in the future." For me this translates into "you're STUCK sweetheart. Good luck with that and by the way, here is a whole lot of extra work for you to do for no additional money."

After losing an election for some post I really wanted : "Hello Melissa, I am sorry to inform you that you did not receive enough votes to serve as XYZ BUT keep trying because you never know what will happen in the future." My knee jerk response is "yea, I could lose again in the future. Can't wait."

After having a healthy result of a colonoscopy, the Dr. says " hey good news, all looks healthy BUT, keep a close eye on your colon because you never know what will happen in the future." Yea, what could happen in the future is that I could have a monster cancer in my colon and will have to endure all of the crap that is involved with attempting to kill it. THAT's what COULD happen in the future.

Look everybody: There is absolutely NO denying that I am a control freak. I want to be in control of what happens in the future. I abhore the option of "not knowing the future" because in the future that MY head lives in, all possible outcomes are crappy. Some would say it would just be easier to teach myself how to think positively. Believe me, I have tried. Too much has happened to my emotional self over the years to EVER warrant me consistently thinking positively about the future.

Do I still play the lottery? YES. I would consider it a cosmic slap in the face to win since negativity is my general disposition. I would soooooooo welcome that slap.

So world, unless you really DO INTEND to call me, text me, want me back in your life on a permanent basis, will give me a raise and compensate me appropriately for my contributions to the profession, will for sure elect me as the next leader of whatever and will most certainly find a cure for cancer, please please stop lulling me into a false sense of security that something "good" might happen in the future (which after all is what is implied by the whole statement)

Until I am proven wrong by someone or something that has hurt me that the contrary is in fact true, I will continue to view my glass as half empty and with water spots. (usually from my overly leaky eyes) Will I ever view the phrase as having positive outcomes? Frankly, I'm not optimistic about my odds.