“A vocabulary of truth and simplicity will be of service throughout your life”
~~ Winston Churchill
“Hey James, Santa fainted.” These were my words as I entered the house this evening. Now when I say “Santa fainted” I don’t mean the lovable jolly gift bearing fat man from up North. (Sadly, I don’t have the privilege of seeing him every night as I pull into our driveway.) I am affectionately referring to the seven foot tall blow up Santa who stands guard in our front yard…the key word there being “stand.” When I drove in this evening, Santa was all lit up and lying flat on his back with his head in the bushes like he’d seen one of the elves riding naked through the yard on Rudolph. Hence my comment upon arriving home. (At this point I feel the need to explain WHY we have a seven foot tall blow up Santa anchored in our yard. You see last year, Alex BEGGED for lots of blow up yard decorations. It seems that when you’re six or seven you just clearly aren’t living right without the proper tacky yard ornamentation. James and I cleverly explained that the lawn characters were just WAY too expensive and we could not possibly see our way clear to buying one of them, lest we have to forgo dinner or shoes or some other major important staple in life. (We were so proud of ourselves for getting out of that one!!) Some weeks after hearing this, Alex was discussing with the neighbors the blow up snowman they had in their yard when to our horror he told them we were too poor to buy any seasonal blow up friends. Two days later, there was Santa in our front yard, compliments of George and Carolyn! Needless to say, our house faces theirs and now Santa faces Frosty. Except tonight when Santa decided to take a little nap which is where I began this story).
So WHY am I telling you all this? When James and I became parents we thought we were prepared for a number of important things. (ie how to make formula without lumps, where to buy a replacement lunch box at mid year, self-bathing 101). We never gave any thought to the simple things like what we would actually say to the children or to each other as the years progressed. As the director of a Speech and Hearing Clinic married to a Master’s degree level English teacher, we thought communication was our forte. …. that words were our playground in which we could weave beautiful tapestries of colorful phraseology in any fashion that we so desired. Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined the things that would come out of our mouths. Soon after Christmas last year we were sitting in a restaurant like any normal family when I swear I turned to Adam and said: “Get your bacon off my coat!” This caused James and I to pause and spend some real time thinking about the plethora of other ridiculous things we have said to the kids as well as to each other and we vowed at that moment to keep track of them for an entire year. The following are statements we have ACTUALLY SAID at one time or another during 2007: (typically with jaws clenched while using an impatient tone)
“Get your hand out of my armpit!”
“I’ll get you a rock after dinner.”
“Alex, let your dad jump rope for awhile.”
“Yes Adam, your lemon smells.”
“I promise, the broccoli WILL fit into your mouth, just try it.”
“I don’t care if he ate the last Scooby-Doo vitamin just eat Sponge Bob!”
“Give him a pirate guy RIGHT NOW!”
“Where should I pack your pinecone?”
“I know it’s not fair that HE got the purple cast but HE BROKE HIS ARM!!!!”
“Get your fry off the wall!”
“Get your tongue OFF the door!”
“What do you mean your dime is in the potty?”
“Who put the popsicle in the Doritos bag?”
“Adam, stop licking the (dog, your brother, grandma’s feet, fuzzy lolli-pop)”
“Stop hitting me with that Lizard.”
“Boys! Get that nail out of the fish tank!”
And my personal favorite conversation between James and myself:
Melissa: “James, wake up the dog is dying!”
James: “What?”
Melissa: “The dog is dying…..she’s throwing up a ton of black stuff”
James: (looking at the dog) “She’s fine…..that’s pork steak she’s throwing up.”
Melissa: “Where did she get all that pork steak?”
James: “In the back yard”
Melissa: “Why was there pork steak in the back yard?”
James: “Because it was ON FIRE!”
So you see, the comment “Santa has fainted” is really quite a natural statement at this time of year coming from a family like mine who takes such pride in our ability to communicate with one another so effortlessly. I could spend multiple pages providing examples of our living banter but I need to get the kids off to bed who keep asking me where daddy is……
“He‘s outside giving Santa CPR so he can wave at Frosty!!” (Duh!)
Merry Christmas from our family to yours!
Fondly,
Melissa and the boys
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